Open Mind, Closed Heart
by Tabris Macbeth
Summary: Is it possible for Raven to deal with love, with both society and her own volatile powers working against her?
1. This is Love?

Open Mind, Closed Heart by Tabris  
  
rated PG for some language and mild violence  
  
disclaimer: I own nothing, for someday, I shall die. Well, that's a slight exaggeration. In any case, don't sue, for as I mentioned before, I own nothing. You'd just be trying to draw water from an empty well that's passive aggressive and has anger management issues. ____________________________________________________________  
  
Chapter 1: This is Love?  
  
Starfire, like all her people, was a very open, emotionally driven young lady. When she felt something, she made no attempt to hide it. And right now, she felt love.  
Over time, it became more and more obvious that Starfire and Robin were a real item together. There was no denying the natural magnetism between the two. But what wasn't nearly as obvious were Starfire's feelings towards Raven.  
Raven was a completely foreign species to Starfire, in more than one respect. She was quiet, for starters. Now, Starfire knew some people were just plain not that talkative, but Raven carried it to extremes. She would say an average of four or five sentences a day, not including her chants, and this was when she was in a good mood. But whatever her mood, she really liked her solitude. Starfire had moments when she wanted to be alone (no matter how rare those moments might have been) but Raven, again, took it to the extreme. At home, she would only appear for meals or to watch the occasional movie. Outside, she was always on the edge of the group, always diverting her attention elsewhere. Finally, what Starfire found to be most incomprehensible, Raven had a very dark, gloomy disposition. She spent her free time reading depressing poems, listening to depressing music, and hanging out at the almost suicide inducing Murder of Crows Cafe. If this somehow made her happy, no one knew. One could count the number of times she smiled in front of someone on one hand. And ironically, it was all this that drew Starfire to her like a moth to a flame. She was totally unlike anyone or anything she had seen before. Over the months, her shy curiosity had snowballed into what one could consider a crush. She had thought long and hard about her feelings, and today, she had finally sorted everything out and she was ready to announce her love to the world.  
  
Starfire had gathered her fellow Titans- save for Raven- in the living room.  
"What did you want to tell us, Star?" said Robin.  
She glanced door, hoping Raven would pop in at the last second. She didn't.  
"Friends...there is someone I am in love with."  
Cyborg and Beast Boy when "Ahhhh!" in the fashion that a studio audience would during moments like this. Robin grinned sheepishly and blushed.  
"Star...I really don't know what to say..." he said, half feigning his surprise.  
His surprise would genuine soon enough.  
"So, who is it?" Beast Boy, casually pointing at Robin.  
"Dear friends, I am in love with Raven!" Starfire beamed.  
The boys sat frozen in shock for a good ten seconds before Cyborg and Beast Boy started giggling like any teenage boy would in a situation like this.  
"Guys, shut up!" Robin hissed at them, "So, Starfire...you're..."  
He had difficulty finding the words.  
"I am in love with friend Raven." she said, still smiling.  
Starfire wasn't sure what to make of this. On her planet, when one found someone they were in love with, it was a time of much joy and merriment. But she quickly reminded herself that this was Earth, and according to what Cyborg and Beast Boy were doing, the custom was to giggle and whisper something along the lines of "lesbian boobies".  
"Don't pay attention to them." said Robin, managing to regain his composure, "So...I never knew you...liked girls, Star."  
It took Starfire a few seconds to understand what he meant.  
"Oh! On my planet, partners love each other regardless of being male or female. Are...Cyborg and Beast Boy not partners?"  
The two suddenly stopped giggling. They looked at each of a moment, then shuddered.  
"I kinda hope I could do better than BB." said Cyborg.  
"Hey!" Beast Boy objected, "Lots of girls would consider me a good catch!"  
"Yeah, as a fish, not as a boy."  
And the two were sucked up into a torrent of childish name calling, leaving Robin alone to explain how complicated love on Earth was.  
"Star, on this planet, relationships aren't that simple. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll love you back. Most of the time, you'll end up getting your heart broken."  
"Oh my!" she gasped, "The internal hemoreg-"  
"No, Star, it's a figure of speech. But it really does feel like your heart breaks."  
This morning, it had seemed to fit together so well. This was turning out far more complicated that she thought it would be.  
  
Raven suddenly realized she missed whatever it was Starfire wanted to announce. She figured it was something less than announcement worthy, like Starfire just finding about the Teletubbies.  
"I can just imagine that. 'Friends! I have discovered a race of beings with monitors implanted in their abdominal regions!'"  
Raven quickly pushed the thought aside. She knew better than to let her mind drift to such trivial things. Sometimes, she honestly had to wonder if staying here was a good idea. Before, her feelings were numbed, almost dead, and now her mind kept wandering. She had to spend more and more time suppressing and controlling.  
Deep in meditation, she didn't notice the door open.  
"Raven?"  
Her focus was disrupted, and this set into motion what had become a familiar chain reaction of losing and regaining control.  
"Yes, Starfire?" she said irately.  
"Why did you not come to listen to what I had to say?"  
"Slipped my mind."  
"But it was- is very important!"  
Raven sighed. She wouldn't be returning to her meditation so soon.  
"Does it involve a giant monster?"  
"No."  
"Killer robots?"  
"No."  
"An evil genius?"  
"No."  
"An ancient god that threatens to consume our mortal souls?"  
"No."  
"Then it's not important."  
She though this would send Starfire along her way.  
"It is important to me."  
Her tone was one she rarely used. It was strong and confident, almost authoritive. It was the kind of tone that demanded people's attention.  
"Alright, then. What is it?"  
Taking a deep breath, she readied herself for what she had to say.  
"Raven, my dear friend, I love you."  
Raven slowly cocked an eyebrow.  
"That's what-"  
The context of what Starfire said quickly dawned on her. The chain reaction was set off again. The act of control was slower to take effect this time.  
"Wh...whatever."  
Robin had been right. It did hurt. But she wasn't the only one in pain. Raven's hardened defenses hadn't hidden the slight quiver in her voice.  
"Raven?"  
"Look, if that's your thing...whatever. Fine by me. Now will you please leave?"  
Starfire gave a modest nod and walked out. Yes, Robin was right, but now she was really beginning to understand what he said. It felt like her heart had been viciously ripped out and trampled upon. Was this love? She never heard of anything like this happening on her homeworld. From what she heard, love was a beautiful, wonderful thing. Everything had always fit perfectly, painlessly into place. Is this what love really was?  
Confused and disillusioned, she wandered up to the roof, taking no mind of the swollen gray clouds looming over head. Then she cried.  
  
"Damn it, Starfire."  
Unable to focus with Starfire's words floating around in her mind, Raven decided to cut her meditation session short and curl up with a book. For some reason, though, nothing really striked her fancy today. Then her sight fell upon a small, worn black book. When she took it out, she remembered what purpose it had served. "Raven's Diary" was written on a piece of tape on the cover. About half the pages were wrinkled, bearing a great deal of ink and lead. She sat on her bed and casually flipped through it.  
"February 14th."  
Raven quickly turned to the next entry.  
"February 15th. I don't understand it. I'm pretty, aren't I? Maybe not as pretty as the other girls, but I'm still pretty. And I'm nice, unlike the rest of the kids here. Everyone's mean to me, and I never did anything to them! Well, I'll show them. I've tried really hard to keep my powers a secret, but why shouldn't I use them? Especially on mean people like them?"  
If she remembered right, she was eight when she wrote this.  
"February 23rd. What happened to me? Everything went wrong! It wasn't suppose to happen like this! I said that chant Mom told me to say to control my powers, but it didn't work! I had to run away because of these stupid powers! Why can't a I be a normal kid? Dad was a bad man, but does that make me bad too? Does God hate me because I'm the child of a bad man?"  
Out of a morbid urge for self reflection, Raven read on. The diary hadn't seen anything for a few years after that entry.  
"August 2nd. Took up smoking. Don't really like it, but it helps keeps me calm. You know, I really don't like it here. It's too hot and sunny here to wear anything dark. Yes, it's summer, but there's practically no shade around here, and Bill would probably want another 'favor' if I got a fan put in my room. When I asked for a TV for my room, at least I was able to screw with the film before those pictures developed. He'll probably want more this time. I guess I shouldn't have destroyed those pictures. If I had those, maybe Maria would believe me and that slimeball could get thrown in prison. Oh well."  
"August 3rd. Bill and Maria were fighting again this morning, so I had to buy breakfast with what little money I have. I hung around outside later. They were really getting into it. I left when my headaches acted up again. Since then, I've hung out in this old van in the junkyard. I only snuck back in the house to grab a few things. I'm going to camp out here tonight. It's not like anyone will care."  
She slammed the book close.  
"Enough of that."  
  
Robin was lecturing the other boys when Starfire walked in.  
"-Surprised that she's gone because your behavior."  
"C'mon, Robin!" said Cyborg, "We didn't mean anything by-"  
"Star likes boobies!" Beast Boy chimed.  
"Yeah, that."  
"Don't tease her! Raven probably-"  
Robin noticed Starfire as she glumly plopped down on the couch. Things were quiet until Robin nudged Cyborg.  
"Hey, Star?" he said, "Me and Beast Boy are sorry about giggling earlier. We totally respect your sexual preference."  
"We even think it's pretty cool." Beast Boy added with a playful grin.  
"Thank you, friends." Starfire said in a barely auditable voice.  
Robin sat down next to her and put an arm around her.  
"I guess...she..."  
He couldn't bring himself to finish. It would only reopen her wound.  
"Hey," said Cyborg, "I know what'll cheer you up! I went to the mall earlier, and guess what I found?"  
Cyborg reached into the large cardboard box that Starfire somehow missed when she entered the room.  
"Happy Fun Fun Dance Party Revolution Remix! And see? I got four of those dance pad...things and a multitap, so you can whup all our butts at the same time!"  
"Thank you, Cyborg, but I do not feel like happy fun fun dancing or the whupping of multiple buttocks."  
Cyborg muttered something about one hundred bucks and a lost receipt. It was time for Beast Boy to try his hand at lifting his friend's spirits.  
"Hey, Star, how 'bout we...like...make some of that pudding you make when your sad? Like...uh...the pudding of...deep depression?"  
Starfire lifted her gaze from her lap.  
"We do not make pudding for deep depression, for that would be silly. We make jello."  
"So...jello of deep depression it is, then! Boy, that sure sounds good!"  
"The jello of deep depression is rather foul tasting, and has been known to cause the same side effects as...what is it called...asbestos?"  
"Wow." Beast Boy responded after a long pause, "Why do they make it?"  
"I do not know." she said with a sigh, "The customs of my planet are beginning to confuse me as well."  
She got up and headed for the door.  
"I...am going for a walk. If you are still going to make the jello of deep depression, please do so in a well ventilated area."  
All they could do is stand by helplessly as she walked out.  
  
"Azarath...Metrion...Zyn...feh."  
She still couldn't concentrate. Nothing was blowing up, which was always a good sign, but she couldn't afford slip ups. One out of check feeling and everything would, quite literally, go to Hell. She looked at the mirror sitting on her dresser. The "Speculum Psyche"; the mirror that looked into Raven's own soul, as well as providing a means of getting into this troubled micro-cosm. As she stared at it, Starfire's words repeated themselves again and again.  
"She loves me. Has anyone ever said that to me and honestly meant it?"  
When she really thought about it, the answer was no. And the more she thought about it, the more her control slipped. She didn't notice the mirror wobble.  
"Not once in my life has anyone said they loved me."  
The mirror suddenly shattered. Some small shards flew at Raven, but she raised her arms in time to protect her face. She grumbled as she picked out the glass splinters. It would take days of digging through arcane tomes to remember how to repair the mirror.  
A larger shard on the floor, stained deep red, caught her eye. She suddenly noticed a rather sizable wet spot on her sleeve. She rolled it up and saw her wrist had received a nasty flesh wound. Nothing that serious, but it did call for a bit of medical attention. However, Raven just stared at it hypnotically at the cut. Blood slowly ran down her arm, over light laceration scars. Red lines were traced over the marks, creating the illusion that they were fresh. The beating of rain on the window snapped her out of her trance.  
Raven checked the hallway, making sure there was no one around to see her wrist, and hastily walked to the bathroom to get some gauze wrap and some sort of dressing for the wound. When she dug around in the medicine cabinet, she caught sight of her nearly empty bag of disposable razors. When you fight crime in a costume that shows off your bare legs, you become concerned with smoothness rather quickly.  
Her gaze shifted from the razors, to her wound, and back again. She took what she needed and closed the cabinet.  
When she returned to her room, she took off her outfit. The noticeable blood stain would attract unwanted attention and questions. When she reached for one of her multiple identical outfits, she looked down at her body. While she certainly was not an unattractive girl, her body did look frail and underdeveloped. Anyone who didn't know who she was would think she was just a fragile, unhealthy young lady.  
Raven frowned a bit and put on a fresh outfit.  
  
The rain had left the streets pretty empty, with the occasional car passing by. While Starfire normally liked the busy crowds in the city, she felt grateful for the emptiness this evening.  
She didn't know where she was going, or why she had went out in the first place. It certainly wasn't the kind of weather to wander aimlessly in, but she felt she just had to get out. Now that she was out, she felt even more lost and confused.  
Back on her planet, everything would have went just fine. She would be happy, Raven would be happy, they would exchange five hundred line long poems expressing their feelings, and live happily ever after. But then she realized something. What about Raven's feelings? Starfire loved her, but did she love her back? From the time she spent in her company, she didn't really seem to like anyone. When she first joined the Titans, she seemed reluctant about it and kept everyone at arm's length. Not much had changed. Starfire had time and time again tried to be friendly to her, but she either met with irritability or no response at all. She had kept offering her hand in friendship, and Raven slapped it away every time.  
Starfire knew how Raven felt now. She hated her. ____________________________________________________________  
  
author's notes: Y'know, while I haven't really reached my true potential in this, I have to say this work really sucked me in. It's been a while since I really been this absorbed into something I'm writing. It's all just flowing so freely out of me. I went to work on this with an angsty romance in mind, and...well, it took on a life of it's own. When any work of art just comes to you with so naturally, no matter what the finished project is, it's a beautiful thing. Maybe it comes from the heart, or maybe I'm just a sentimentally jackass. I'll let you, dear reader, decide.  
I know the diary thing is gonna be an issue, so I'll address it right now. I've never read the comics (they're not in anime, for you less knowledgeable youngsters out there), so yes, I'm a whore of a man for not doing my homework. But hey, I can use that as an excuse to exercise my creative license. Not doing any research, I mean. Not the man whore thing.  
Remember the three Rs, people: Read, review, and praise me. Hey, there's in an R in "praise", and it's almost at the beginning. 


	2. Making Scars

Chapter 2: Making Scars  
  
Raven stared up at the ceiling. It had been two hours since she had gone to bed, and she couldn't get to sleep.  
"She...I was too hard on her. I should apologize in the morning."  
Just as her eyes close, they shot right back open when the sound of soggy footsteps passed her door. She cautiously cracked her door open.  
"Starfire?"  
The source of the noise was Starfire, miserable looking and drenched to the bone.  
"Where have you been? You're soaked."  
"Out." Starfire muttered.  
"The guys were really worried."  
Starfire looked over her shoulder, staring at her fellow Titan with glassy emerald eyes.  
"But you were not, correct?"  
Starfire walked away before Raven could respond. Raven returned to her room for what was an uneasy night's sleep. In the morning, she forcefully ripped herself away from the comfort and security of her bed and shambled out to the kitchen table for breakfast. It probably wasn't a good idea seeing as Beast Boy was doing the cooking.  
"Ahhh!" said Beast Boy, "Another gloomy Gus?"  
Starfire didn't look like she had a good night either. She eyes were sunken and her hair, which was normally kept zealously well brushed, looked like it had only been brushed enough to pass as presentable to the public.  
"Well, I know who'll turn those frowns upside downs. Mr. Toface!"  
Beast Boy whipped out a couple of plates of tofu bacon and fried tofu eggs that were arranged into smiley faces.  
"That is very creative." Starfire said with a weak but polite smile.  
"Toface." Raven quipped, "Yeah, that sounds appetizing."  
"Maybe it would be more to your liking if it was a grumpy face." Starface said under her breath.  
"Beast Boy..." said Robin, "Are there really such things as tofu bacon and eggs? I mean...how do you make bacon and eggs out of bean curds?"  
"He's got a point, BB." said Cyborg, "The bacon actually tastes like bacon."  
Sensing that something was amiss, Beast Boy checked the bacon package.  
"Made with...one hundred percent pork?!"  
Beast Boy frantically scanned over the discarded egg carton.  
"These eggs are eggs?! Oh no! The shells were a dead give away! How'd could I have miss that?! And the milk!"  
Beast Boy snatched the milk carton from Robin's hand.  
"No! It's real milk! From a real cow and everything!"  
"What's wrong with that?" said Robin.  
"I...don't really know. But everything else was an animal! Just like me, at one point or another! Dude, I am never shopping at that health food place again!"  
After poking poor Mr. Toface in the eye a bit, Raven excused herself.  
"Ah, c'mon!" said Cyborg, "You barely touched Toface. You want him to be sad that you didn't eat him?"  
Starfire made another quiet little criticism.  
"When has she ever cared about anyone's feelings?"  
Her breakfast exploded in her face.  
  
It was noon and there were still no signs of evil super beings plotting to take over or destroy anything, so Raven found herself with some free time. She really didn't find herself with much free time, inbetween meditation, and fighting crime, and whatnot. She really should have meditated, but on a whim, she decided to pick up where she left off in her diary. She was only digging up long buried issues, she knew that. Yet like a car wreck, she couldn't turn away.  
"August 4th. I thought about going home, but changed my mind. I hate it there. Besides, I just met this cool high school guy named Vince. He works for his dad at the nearby garage and comes here sometimes to look for spare parts. He said if he came across any parts for this old van I'm camped out in, he can fix it up and give it to me. That's pretty nice of him. I can't remember anyone doing anything for me before without wanting to use me for something."  
"August 16th. Went back home on the fifth, and no one had noticed I was gone. Missing a pair of underwear, though. That perv Bill probably took them. I've been pretty busy lately, which is why I haven't written as much. I've been hanging out a lot with Vince. He's turned me on to these books on Eastern mysticism. They're pretty interesting, and I think what I've learned has some link to my powers. I practiced some of what I learned when I was alone, and I was able to focus my energy. It's not easy, but it's better than letting it loose. I wonder if my powers would scare him."  
"August 26th. School started today. Like usual, I heard people whisper behind my back. I don't really care anymore, though. I've got Vince now. Some boy pushed me to the ground, but Vince came along and scared him off. He acted all cool and stuff, like everything was in control. When I saw him like that, I felt this weird feeling. I felt a little lightheaded, but I kind of liked it. It felt like everything was alright."  
Raven broke from her daze and looked at the clock.  
"It's after two already? Huh..."  
She stepped out to get herself a late lunch. On the way to the kitchen, she heard a thud come from the bathroom.  
  
Starfire wondered if this was that "cold" thing she had heard so much about. Maybe not, she thought. Colds didn't involve vomiting, which she had done twice since 5 a.m. today. And now, leaned over the toilet, she felt she would soon make it three times. She gagged and heaved, but only saliva came out.  
Physically drained, she stayed there for a few minutes. It gave her time to think.  
"Raven...why are you always such a rude, cold, inconsiderate...meanie? Love is such a beautiful thing...and...and you do not care, do you? You willingly discard my love for you as if it were so valueless. If you truly do not desire love, then so be it. You will receive no more...no more anything from me! You are no longer my friend, Raven."  
Her legs felt shaky as she tried to stand up. She tried to fly, as bad an idea as it was in her condition, and ended up collapsing on the floor, slamming her head on the door as she fell. As she pulled herself up, the door swung open.  
"Starfire?"  
If Starfire had been fully alert, she might have picked up on the concern in Raven's voice. Not that she would have cared at the time.  
"You look terrible."  
"Please reframe...from..."  
Starfire stumbled back against a wall.  
"Star!"  
Raven tried to steady her, but Starfire shook of her hands.  
"I do not...require your...assistance."  
"You were out in the rain all night. You'll be lucky if you don't have pneumonia."  
Before Starfire could protest, she found her body engulfed in black light.  
"You're getting my assistance whether you want it or not."  
They went off to Starfire's bedroom, Starfire struggling weakly all the way. When they reached their destination, Raven gently placed the sick girl on her bed.  
"I'll get Cyborg," said Raven, "Wait here."  
Minutes later, Cyborg had determined what was wrong with Starfire.  
"A COLD?!" Beast Boy said in disbelief, "Dude, look at her!"  
"She's not from Earth, BB. This is all new to her system. Didn't you ever see War of the Worlds?"  
Robin suddenly looked grim.  
"No..." Beast Boy said cautiously, taking notice of the Boy Wonder's darkened mood.  
"Look, y'all, she's gonna be alright. Her immune system hasn't failed her yet, so I think she's been able to adapt to Earth's environment enough to fight this. She just needs to stay in bed, and we need to keep an eye on her."  
And as if by the cruel sense of humor of a higher power, the alert beacons in their communicators beeped.  
"Not now!" said Robin, "I'll stay-"  
"I'll stay." Raven spoke up.  
"But-"  
"There's no time this. Just go."  
Robin grudgingly agreed and they boys took off, leaving the girls to themselves.  
"Hey, Star?"  
Starfire turned on her side, away from Raven, and curled up.  
"There was something I wanted to tell you."  
"Something mean and cynical, no doubt."  
"Enough of this!"  
Even in her sickly, apathetic state, Starfire paid keen attention to Raven. As bitter and cold as she was, she had rarely- if ever- rose her voice.  
"How did you want me to respond? Giggle like a cheerful airhead and skip with you through a goddamn field of wild flowers?!"  
A small tremor passed through the tower. Raven took a moment to calm herself down.  
"Starfire, you know me well enough. Just drop it, okay? Robin practically worships the ground you walk on. Go after him."  
Starfire looked over her shoulder.  
"I want you." she muttered.  
"Fine." Raven said bitterly, "You want me so bad, you can finger me right here, right now. Sure, the tower will blow up, but you'll get what you want."  
Starfire turned back and curled up tighter.  
"Why do you say such hateful things?"  
It barely came out as a whisper, but Raven still heard it.  
"Because I don't know anything else!"  
She hadn't meant to say that. She lost control again. It had slipped by her defenses somehow. Yet again.  
She yanked her hood over her head and retreated to her room.  
  
There were a number of reasons Starfire felt miserable. She was sick as a dog, she was too weak to retrieve her plush Altarian grub (which, for a stuffed alien worm, was pretty darned cute), and she just fought with someone who- despite her current mood- she cared about deeply.  
She remembered back when to the Puppet King incident, when she and Raven had switched bodies. While she seemed a bit evasive about some parts, Raven had bared her soul to her. She thought that it brought them closer. True, Raven aliened her a slightly less than the others, but...  
But she had let her closer. Not too close, but they did become closer. Maybe Raven did want to be closer. Maybe she wanted to be just like the others. But she didn't know anything else. She didn't know how to express anything positive. All she knew how to do is to defend herself indiscriminately. Starfire couldn't imagine a life so starved of love and affection. But that was Raven's life, wasn't it? Even now. She deprived herself of these vital elements, and now so was Starfire.  
There was nothing she could do at the moment. She felt too weak to get up and seek her out. Her throat was too sore to scream out. She was helpless to do anything. For the first time in her life, Starfire's emotions just welled up inside, unable to escape. But maybe this wasn't a bad thing. This is what Raven did. She kept everything inside. If she was to truly understand Raven, then she had to do what she did.  
She braced herself against the wall as she sluggishly stumbled to the bathroom, mustering all her strength to make the trip. She had once accidentally walked in on Raven. She had cut herself shaving her legs and she was staring at her wound, letting the blood run down her leg. It was something odd Starfire had noticed about her. She was always slow to tend to any wound of hers that drew blood. She would stare at it with such an intense focus. It was long thought that she might be a hemophobe or that healing herself took a great deal more concentration than healing others, but when Starfire had walked in on her, she told her to forget what she saw.  
Starfire crashed down on the toilet and blindly reached around in the medicine cabinet until she found Raven's razors. After some fumbling, she managed to get a blade out. The sight of the clean, stainless steel edge was unnerving. She felt a small ping of sympathy for everyone that had to use such a dangerous looking instrument for personal grooming.  
She was unsure what to do next. She really didn't want to hurt herself, but maybe if she just made a small scratch...  
She slipped off one of her armlets and carefully pressed the razor against her skin. It would only be a small scratch. Just enough to draw a little blood, just enough to understand Raven. She slowly ran the blade down, trying to control her shaky hand.  
"Starfire?!"  
Raven's startled scream made her slip up. She ended up cutting far deeper than she intended to.  
Raven slapped the blade from Starfire's hand.  
"What's wrong with you?!" she yelled.  
She grabbed Starfire's arm and concentrated on healing. It didn't work at first, but the large gash slowly closed up.  
"What do you think you were doing?" Raven snapped.  
Starfire didn't say anything. She simply collapsed into Raven's arms and cried.  
  
"Honeys!" Beast Boy screamed down the hallways, "We're home!"  
"Raven?"  
When Robin walked into Starfire's room, he found Raven sitting next to Starfire's prone form. She didn't notice him come in.  
"I'll take over."  
She numbly shook her head.  
"Raven, I-"  
"This is all because of me." she said blankly, "If I hadn't just brushed her off, none of this would have happened."  
Robin sat on the edge of the bed.  
"What happened has happened, and it couldn't have happened any other way. I wanted to say something better, but...it's true. You're here for her now, though, even if it isn't easy for you."  
"It's not easy for you, either, is it?" she muttered, "Everyone knows how much you were in love with her. This has got to be a pretty big slap in the face. Not only did you lose her, but you lost her to another girl."  
Robin was silent for a moment.  
"To be honest...yeah. It hurt a lot. But you two are my friends. I swore to myself if anyone ever cared about me at all, I'd always be there for them."  
Where had Raven been when Starfire needed her? She had always shrugged her off, treating her like an unwanted pest. But that's what she was, wasn't she? Raven wanted to be left alone, and Starfire was always bugging her...  
But if she really wanted to be alone, why did she bother joining the Titans at all? Could it be that she really did want companionship? She denied it, of course, but the question was eating away at her the moment Starfire confessed her love for her.  
"Raven?"  
She snapped to attention.  
"How do you feel about her?"  
  
When Starfire stirred from her sleep, she noticed the feeling of a soft velvet-like clothe in her hands. When she opened her eyes, she saw that her plump little Altarian grub nestled in her arms. She rolled over and saw Raven off in the corner, reading a copy of Ender's Game.  
"Still say it looks like an overstuffed maggot." she commented when she saw Starfire was awake.  
Starfire looked at her stuffed alien, then back at Raven.  
"I...am sorry, friend Raven."  
"You should be."  
Raven slammed her book close and walked over to her.  
"What were you thinking? You shouldn't kill yourself just because some loser rejects you."  
"Kill myself?!"  
Starfire clutched her grub tighter.  
"No, no! I...I witnessed your accidental laceration when you were grooming your legs once, and you acted strangely, and-"  
"Okay, I think I get it. I suppose it serves me right for not being honest with you."  
She looked at her arm and sighed.  
"Star...I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone. You have to promise me you won't tell anyone about this."  
Starfire nodded. Raven rubbed her wrists, seeming reluctant to talk. But slowly, carefully, she started speaking.  
"Well...see...you know I didn't have any friends growing up. I just spent my time in my room, bored out of my mind. This one day, I was just wandering around the house and someone had left this pocket knife out. I've never had any of the usual childhood injuries like bruises and scraped knees, so...I was curious about what physical pain felt like. I gave myself this small scratch on my arm."  
"Did it not hurt?"  
"It did, but that's why I did it. I wasn't feeling anything. I was this kid that was just there. The pain reminded me I was...that I was more than just there. So I kept cutting, watching blood paint my skin. Sometimes, I wanted to just give up and cut as deep as I could."  
Starfire set aside the Altarian grub and held Raven, slowly stroking her hair.  
"Starfire...it was a long time ago. It's no big deal."  
"You are wrong." she whispered.  
When she let Raven go, she had a small smile. It was such a precious thing, that smile. She showed it so rarely, it was something to be valued when seen. And right now, she was showing it to Starfire.   
  
author's notes: I just realized something. This is a fem-slash story. Wow. Not that this is entirely new to me. I wrote these two Miho-Kiyo stories at the Tenchi Muyo Fanfic Archive (tmffa.com, shameless plug!) called "Happiness" and "Heart of Glass", but when I wrote them, as well as I when I started on this, it never crossed my mind they were yuris. I just really like a good romantic story, and I'm a total sucker for lesbian romance. I'm a straight guy, obviously, but I honestly do think there's something beautiful about it. There's sort of this forbidden element in it, a bit like Romeo and Juliet. That, and cute lesbian couples are freakin' cool! Rock on, cute lesbians of the world!  
  
to Heathen: Ah, the Dance Dance Revolution reference. I gotta talk about this. I've never played it myself, but when I was thinking about how the guys would cheer up Star, I thought of the part in Strikerflame's "Untitled" where Starfire and Raven go to the arcade, and I just thought to myself that Dance Dance Revolution is so Starfire (thanks for the idea, by the way, Strikerflame). And thus, a parody is born.  
  
to neon rose: Wow! You have got to be my favorite reviewer so far. And your writing is none too shabby, either. I think you might have potential. (And, of course, I say that because your writing style reminds me so much of my own.)  
  
Many thanks to everyone who's review this thus far, and in the future. I deeply value your feedback. Unless you give me a bad review, in which case, screw you, pal. 


	3. One Fine Day

Chapter 3: One Fine Day

The kitchen was a mess. A low fat mess, perhaps, but a mess all the same.

After Beast Boy had learned the health food store he shopped at was a total sham- slapping health nut buzzwords on normal, meaty products- he had gone a wee bit stark raving mad. In this fit of insanity, he had created tofu eggs, tofu steak, tofu tacos, tofu shrimp, tofu cream puffs, tofu pizza, tofu pot roast, tofu fried chicken, tofu pie, and even tofu tofu. In reality, it was all just tofu either molded into some form or with condiments added.

"How you like it?!" Beast Boy said with a crazed look in his eyes.

None of the Titans at the table were about to point that out, though.

"It is...very...interesting." Starfire said, struggling with her words.

"Um, yeah." Robin commented, "You're like...a vegetarian MacGuyver, or something."

With one look at the lumpy blob in front of her, Raven simply gave a low, mildly disgusted groan.

"Where's Cy?" said Beast Boy, gaze shifting around the room wildly, "Gotta show him my tofu bacon! That'll show 'em! That'll show 'em all!"

Beast Boy scrambled off to the hallway, clutching his "tofacon" like it was his first born son and muttering incoherently.

"That will show _who_, exactly?" Raven asked no one in particular.

The changeling found the missing Titan standing in the hallway, mouth agap.

"Cy? Yo, Cyborg? You outta juice? Some to-jay will-"

Cyborg snapped to attention.

"To-jay?"

"Tofu orange juice."

And for the longest moment, there was dead silence. It was the kind of silence that was only heard in deep space.

"Tofu orange juice." Beast Boy said solemnly, "Wow. So, Cy, what happened? Commit an illegal operation or something?"

Cyborg peaked out of the hall, noting where Starfire and Raven were.

"I saw Raven come out of Star's room this morning!"

At first, Beast Boy thought nothing of it, but then the possibilities dawn on him, and he let out a very long "dude".

"I know!" Cyborg squealed giddishly.

"Hot lesbian teammates!" Beast Boy giggled, "How cool is that?!"

"How cool is what?"

Robin had chosen that moment to conveniently stand behind them, overhearing the last sentence. He was quickly joined by the girls.

"BB making...whatever that is he's holding." Cyborg quickly blurted out.

"Yeah," Beast Boy said, looking down at the crushed bean curds in his hands, "I made tofacon. I'm living the American dream, baby!"

If they hadn't bought into Cyborg's hastily conceived lie or Beast Boy's unusual enthusiasm, they didn't care.

"That nice." Robin said, growing more concerned with his friend's mental state, "Say, Beast Boy, how 'bout we head out for breakfast? My treat?"

Beast Boy thought back to the chaotic night before.

"Sure." he said with a shrug.

* * *

The Titans headed off to the burger joint at the mall (which, oddly enough, was actually called "The Burger Joint"), which was still serving breakfast. Cyborg and Beast Boy tried to convince Robin to let the girls sit at a different table to let them be by themselves, and so they could spy on them in case they spontaniously started getting it on, as unlikely as that was. Of course, two more chairs could easily fit around the table, so Cyborg let him in on what he caught sight off that morning.

"It _did_ accure to you that she could have entered Starfire's room at any point before you saw her, right?" Robin said skeptically.

"Man, she came out at the crack of dawn! None of us get up that early! The only reason I was up was because of BB's cackling."

"I wasn't cackling." Beast Boy pouted, "I was laughing in triumph. I did create tofu based tofu, y'know."

Robin shook his head.

"Okay, assuming Raven did spend the night in Star's room, we- Cyborg, what are you doing?"

Cyborg was adjusting the lens on his finger-cam.

"Nothing! I'm just-"

"They're looking over here!" Beast Boy gasped, "Act natural!"

Starfire and Raven were, indeed, looking in their direction.

"Are you certain Cyborg and Beast Boy are not partners?"

"I wonder too, sometimes." Raven commented, possibly giving birth to a new boy-on-boy pairing in the world of fanfiction.

"Dude!" said a voice coming from a couple tables away, "It's that one chick who's with those one dudes!"

Raven cringed. Sitting to her right were a couple of frat boys, easily four or five years the senior of either girl. She knew exactly what to expect.

"She's, like, Starfire. I bet she's called that 'cuse she's hot and, like...an alien chick."

Many a man commented on Starfire's aesthetically pleasing form. More often than not, they commented on certain parts of said form. Starfire, being the poor naive young thing that she was, often thought they were complimenting her. Technically, they were, but none of her teammates were too keen on having to explain perversity to her.

"And there's that other girl! The Goth chick! Like...what's her face...Mistress Dark...Night Shadow, or something all Gothic and crap, like that dude who works at Cinnibuns. She has nice legs, though."

Raven made a note to start wearing thigh high boots, like Starfire. She scratched that when she realized that would only attract a different, possibly worse crowd.

"Dude, I bet I can score with the alien chick!"

And the sex bets. How could she have forgot the sex bets? One guy would bet he could get Starfire in the sack, then herself, and finally, they would bet that they could get she and Starfire to get it on with each other.

Raven suddenly remembered why she kept her hood up in public.

"Dude, I bet I can score with the Goth chick! She probably never gets any."

She let out a small groan as she suddenly felt the gears inside Starfire's head turning. No doubt, an awkward conversation was in the making.

"Dude, dude! I bet, like, I can get them to score with each other!"

Raven gritted her teeth as they let out a Keanu Reeves-like fit of laughter.

"I bet, like, the Goth chick's already into chicks, so-"

The legs of frat boy one's chair snapped, somehow sending him flying into a nearby trashcan. The other guy, who had leaning back, had apparently leaned a bit too far, for he tumbled backwards and bumped into a table. And that table just happened to have a cup of piping hot coffee on it, which tipped over onto the young man's crotch.

To the casual observer, this was merely bad karma at work. Starfire, however, was quick to catch on to what really happened.

"Raven!" she scolded, "You should not throw people into waste reciprocals or scald their genitalia with high temperature fluids if they are not criminals!"

"Starfire, they- like so many men- are sexist pigs! Don't you know what 'scoring' is?"

"I do not believe so." Starfire said innocently, "But games have scoring, and games are entertaining and pleasurable. Is scoring in this new context also pleasurable?"

Raven turned beet red.

"Well...yes...I suppose. Not that I would know."

"You would not?" Starfire said with a sympathetic look, "Friend Raven, when we return home, I would like to 'score' with you!"

Raven couldn't be more grateful to hear that explosion that suddenly rang outside.

* * *

By far, "Roboto" had to be the lamest villian the Teen Titans had faced to date. Basically, he was some geek in a poorly made robot suit made from what appeared to be used cars. The battle, in it's eighteen seconds of glory, might have been shorter if Raven wasn't the only one not doubled over in laughter at the mention of this new bad guy's name. With a casual chant, the cockpit blew off and Roboto himself- a chubby twenty-something guy in a Babylon 5 t-shirt- was yanked out. Turned out he had picked a fight with the Titans to impress a girl. Whether or not the girl was impressed was unknown, but this William Hung of super villians had attracted a number of reporters rather quickly. The world hadn't seen the last of "Roboto: Man of the Future"!

While Robin assumed his usual role as the team's PR person, Starfire congratulated Raven on a job well done.

"Excellent work, Raven! You most certainly kicked his buttocks in a metaphorical sense!"

Raven shrugged, pretending she was indiffered to her praise.

"Come! Let us go home and score with each other!"

Raven looked at her in shocked.

"Starfire, don't say that so loud!"

"Why? You have not experienced the pleasure of scoring, so I would like to give you that pleasure!"

Raven turned several progressively darker shades of red.

"Star-"

"I believe scoring with you would be most enjoyable!"

She could feel cameras being pointed in their direction.

"Perhaps if you were more open, many more people would like to-"

"Stafire, listen!" Raven hissed, "'Scoring' is a slang term for sexual intercourse!"

That caught Starfire off guard. After the shock wore off, she slowly started to descend into a giggling fit. In spite of herself, Raven had to giggle a little, too.

"I said we should go home and have sexual intercourse." Starfire managed to squeeze out.

Raven's smile dropped and she looked over her shoulder.

"Quiet down." she muttered.

Starfire smiled coyly as a mischievous idea crossed her mind.

"Friend Raven...I _do_ believe engaging in sexual intercourse with you would b-"

Raven quickly covered her mouth.

"There are reporters here!" she whispered, "If they hear you saying, they'll get the wrong idea!"

"Then...you do not find me attractive?" Starfire began to pout.

"Of course I do." Raven said in a reassuring tone, "You're very attractive."

She _knew_ someone took a picture that time.

"Do you think sexual intercourse with me would be enjoyable?"

What little color Raven's face normally had faded.

"Friend Raven? Are you alright?"

She muttered something about not feeling well and headed back to the tower.

* * *

Cyborg and Beast Boy were watching the evening news for a bit of undeserved ego stroking. They hadn't done a dang thing, but that was hardly an excuse not to bask in the glow of the spotlight.

"Earlier today, a new menace- and I use the word loosely- reared it's head in Jump City. Clayton Fink, aka 'Roboto, Man of the Future' comforted the Teen Titans in front of the local mall. Despite being a self proclaimed super villain, the worst of his crimes were possession of illegal fireworks and public disturbance."

"Speaking of fireworks, Diane, it seems sparks are flying between two of the Titans. The _female_ Titans, interestingly enough."

Cyborg cranked up the volume.

"After the battle with Roboto, sources close to Channel Seven News quoted Raven as saying 'you're very attractive' and Starfire as saying 'we should go home and have sexual intercourse'. Then they flew off, presumably to have sex with each other. And now, Al with the weather."

"Hey, BB? You ever see that movie Sliver?" Cyborg said eagerly.

Beast Boy jerked his head slightly, pointing out that Starfire was standing right next to them.

"Yes..." he said cautiously, "Yes, I did. We should totally not imitate what we saw in that movie."

Starfire looked back and forth between them.

"Friends...perhaps I should point out that Raven and I have not engaged in sexual intercourse."

"Sexual intercourse?!"

Robin had just entered the room when she said those last two words.

"Hey, Robin!" said Beast Boy, "Check out what we Tiboed!"

After replaying that certain segment of the news report, Robin nearly fainted. After about the third or fourth replaying, he was conscious enough to snatch the remote from Beast Boy's hand.

"Robin, while that is what I and Raven said, many parts were left out! I-"

Robin just shook his head.

"That's okay. Really."

"But-"

"No, no. Don't need to hear it."

This was quite a predicament. Starfire hadn't thought anyone would make such a big deal out of what she said. But as she reminded herself for the umpteenth time, this wasn't her homeworld. She soon realized how badly she must have embarrassed Raven. She was defensive enough about her emotions, but this matter seemed especially sensitive to her. If she wanted it to be kept quiet so badly, then perhaps...

Starfire headed off to Raven's room.

* * *

Raven threw off her cloak and dropped down hard on her bed. Was it just her or had it just gotten much hotter? Yes, that had to be it. Just the sun coming out in full force. Not the fact that a female friend just hit on her. In public. In front of reporters.

For some reason, she felt a sense of deja vu. Her gaze shifted to her diary, sitting on the nightstand next to her bed.

"Eh." she shrugged, "Why not?"

She flipped it open to the last entry she read.

"I'm getting close to the end. Why did I stop writing in this?"

"September 5th. People are saying things about me and this girl that sits in front of me in English. I don't get this. I always look ahead, like I should, and they're saying all these gross things about me and her. What they're saying isn't true. I can't get this out of my head, though. That girl is pretty, but I'm not like that. At least, I don't think I am. I don't know. I'm confused. I'm going skip school for a couple days to clear my head."

"September 8th. Good news and bad news. Bad news is I heard Vince got into a fight and ended up in juvinal hall. Good news is I think I made a new friend. In English class, we were split up into groups and Summer, that girl in front of me, asked me to be in her group. Every other school year, I had to have people assigned to me. This girl just volunteered, and she's popular, too! That look of shock on her friend's faces was just too funny. I was pretty shy talking to her, but she was really nice to me. Something in the back of my head tells me to be careful. I wonder if she's really as nice as she seems. I hope she is."

"September 13th. Things have been really weird lately. I've heard less whispering behind my back, I'm not getting picked on, and Summer's been hanging out with me. I'm still shy around her, but I like the attention she gives me. She gives me that lightheaded feeling, though. I slipped up and told her what I felt. She laughed, but not in a mean way. She said she was flattered. I didn't get it, and when I asked, she said she would talk about it later. I don't know what that's about, but I feel kind of excited."

"September 14th. Bill and Maria were fighting again, so I hung around the junkyard. I found this small kitten. I guess his mother abandoned him. Poor little thing. I got him a carton of milk and an eyedropper to feed him, so I think he'll be okay. While I'm writing this, he's sleeping peacefully in the shoebox bed I made for him. I think I'll call him Edgar. I don't why, but I kind of like how it sounds."

There was a gentle knock on the door.

"Friend Raven?" Starfire's muffled voice said, "May I speak with you?"

After a moment of consideration, the door opened. Cautious, Starfire set foot inside Raven's sanctuary. She paused as she saw Raven, taking a moment to look her over. Without her cloak, it was easier to see the subtle, graceful curves of her small frame. Starfire cleared her throat when she realized Raven was waiting for her to speak.

"Friend Raven..." she said, guilt in her tone, "I am sorry if I caused you any shame. I was merely joking when I suggested that we have sexual intercourse. Not that sexual intercourse with you would be unpleasurable, however- Not that I think about such things! Though that is not to say I would not consider thinking-"

"Starfire," Raven interrupted, "I get it. Thanks...I think."

Starfire gave a modest nod and turned around. As she walked away, Raven felt the impulse to speak up. For some unfathomable reason, she actually wanted the Tamaranean girl's company, and in her own room, no less.

Starfire looked over her shoulder briefly before walking out, leaving Raven with a strangely empty feeling.

"Wait!"

What had possessed Raven just then?

"Hey, Star..."

She knew the answer, but she dismissed it as foolishness.

"If you're not doing anything tonight...and nothing comes up..."

But she knew it wasn't.

"Maybe..."

Deep down, she wanted to fill that emptiness she felt.

* * *

Sleepovers were a normal part of every teenage girl's life. They happened all the time, or so the mass media had lead Starfire and Raven to believe. But, seeing as neither girl had actually taken part in a sleepover, they were at a loss as to what they should be doing. If it entailed laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, they had this "sleepover" thing down pretty well.

"Oh!" Starfire exclaimed as she fished for something under her bed, "Perhaps this magazine whose key demographic is adolescences that I recently purchased holds ideas, such as-"

She scanned the cover.

"How to please our men. No, perhaps not..."

There were tips on glamour and a list of the "10 cutest butts in Hollywood".

"Perhaps I can perform the act of 'making over' on you."

Raven cringed at that thought. She had suffered enough emotional scarring for one lifetime.

"Well...we could have a discussion on cute buttocks."

"Uh, let's forget about the magazine, shall we?"

"Alright. I do remember this movie I observed Beast Boy watching one night."

This was going to be good.

"A group of young women combated each other pillows while in their undergarments. Perhaps we may engage in battle while in our undergarments? The women in the movie seemed to enjoy it very much."

A chill when up Raven's spine. She had the distinct feeling that somewhere, an idea had just formed in the head of some pervert. And now that she thought about it, she couldn't get the idea out of her own head. The thought of her and Starfire rolling around in their underwear, their bare flesh touching, beads of sweat forming on their soft, tender skin...

"Raven?"

"No." she quickly said, "I'm not the 'battle in undergarments' type."

Another one of those awkward silences was starting to settle in. Uncharacteristically, Raven felt the desire to speak up.

"There is this one game we could play...it's called 'Truth or Dare'. The rules are we ask each other to tell the truth or dare each other to do something."

As Starfire tried to keep her giggling under control, Raven knew she would regret this in the morning.

"This game sounds most wonderful! Let us play!"

"Alright," Raven said, "Truth or dare?"

"Yes, I would like to play that game."

"No, you say truth or dare, depending on which one you want."

Starfire thought for a moment.

"Dare."

Oh, how Raven's mind reeled at the possibilities. What was the most demeaning, repugnant thing she could think of?

Meanwhile, out in the living room, Beast Boy was taking in the latest "When Animals Attack" special on Fox.

"Goring someone up the butt." he said to himself, "Oughtta try that out on some bad guy."

Beast Boy choked as he say two shadows drape over him.

"NO!" he screamed as he spinned around, "I mean turning into a bull or something and ramming some evil doer's butt with my horns! The ones that would be on my head!"

Raven and Starfire just stared at him.

"See, I'm watching 'When Animals Attack: The Crotch and Ass Special', and...look, that's what Fox named it, not me."

Starfire leaned in.

"Dude, I'm serious! It's all about animals attacking people's private parts! Fox isn't known for classy programming!"

She grabbed his head and brought his face up to hers. Before he could ask what was going, their lips locked for five very long seconds. Then the girls left poor bewildered Beast Boy alone to ponder what just happened.

* * *

The night dragged on, and the dares became increasing silly and stupid. Raven was genuinely enjoying herself for the first time in very long time. Eventually, though, the girls ran out of ideas to make asses out of each other, so finally, Starfire chose truth.

Raven needed precious little time to think about what she wanted to ask.

"Starfire...why do you like me?"

And Starfire needed precious little time to answer.

"Because I do."

"It's not that simple."

"It is not? And why is that?"

Raven turned away. As much as she wanted to answer, she couldn't find one.

"The ocean is very large and deep, correct? And yet, it is only water?"

Raven nodded, not sure where she was going with this.

"Well...there are many things like this. Complex, yet simple. I believe love can be one of these things."

Despite cold logic, despite life experiences, despite everything, it really was true.

"Your turn." Raven said in her usual calm, detached tone.

"Truth or dare?"

After the question she asked, choosing "truth" would probably lead to something sapping and tear jerking.

"Dare."

But then Starfire got that mischievous little grin on her face.

"I dare you to kiss me!" she blurted out, catching Raven off guard.

"Excuse me?! Starfire, I like you, but-"

"You do find me attractive, correct?"

Oh no. This again.

"Yes, but-"

"And if you find me attractive, would you not wish to kiss me?"

"You're a very beautiful young lady, Starfire, but-"

"Are you afraid?"

"Afraid?! Afraid of a kiss?!"

Without warning, Raven grabbed her head and planted a kiss square on her lips. When she withdrew, she realized what she just did.

"You taste _much_ better than Beast Boy." Starfire said gleefully.

Raven just nodded numbly. She had just kissed Starfire.

She had just kissed another girl.

* * *

author's notes: God damn it to bloody, pus spewing Hell! keeps screwing with my format! People, I did NOT put big ass spacing inbetween paragraph and take out all indentation. If you want to see the right version, as pure and virginal as God intended, email me at and I'll send off a copy to you.

Oopies doodles! Seems my Japanese is a bit rusty. Last chapter's notes, I meant to say "shoujo ai", not "yuri". Shoujo ai = girl love, yuri = girl porn, or so I understand. Not that I have anything against girl porn (lord no!), it's just I'm a sucker for emotionally driven romance. Especially between two girls. Two cute teenage girls. Two cute, sweaty, naughty- ahem Okay, enough of that.

Goddess Grief: I like you! You reviewed all my stuff, got it, _and_ liked it! That's certainly a plus in my book. And it's nice to know that I'm showing people that not all men are pigs. There are plenty of nice guys out there, like me (of course), and...uh...and, uh...there's...Gahndi...um...and how 'bout John D. Rockefeller? He donated over $500 million to charities. So, as long as you think three is a big number, plenty of nice guys out there!

By the way, Goth/Witch/Lesbian/Artist/Singer/Songwriter/Ficwriters rock! Read Goddess Grief's stories or go to Hell!

Griffonmon: I have not only won over a fan of the comics, but the author of the brilliant story, "Soothing the Mind" (also in the Teen Titans section). Also read Griffonmon's stories or go to Hell!

Y'know, funny story. I knew I'd be butchering the official storyline with the diary, but being a fanfic writer does afford me some liberties. Anyway, I actually _did_ get around to doing research (many thanks to ). Of course, the diary and the history I fabricated for Raven are for dramatic purposes and all my knowledge of the Teen Titans comes from the show, but oddly enough, I think I've captured the psychology of Raven and Starfire pretty well.

Hoped you liked this break from the drama, 'cuse the next (probably last) chapter is going to get pretty heavy. Keep those good reviews coming in! If I like it enough, I may jabber on like an idiot to you, too. If you have you own fanfics, I'll also tell people to read them or condemn them to the fiery bowels of Hell. And remember, you should not throw people into waste reciprocals or scald their genitalia with high temperature fluids if they are not criminals. Words to live by, Starfire. Words to live by.


	4. Love Hurts

Chapter 4: Love Hurts

The first rays of sunlight jarred Raven awake. She squinted, wondering why she had left her curtains open. Then she remembered her bedroom didn't face the morning sun. When her eyes adapted to the light, it all came back to her.

Then she noticed Starfire's arm draped over her.

Raven's first reaction was to look under the blanket. They were both full clothed, no phallic objects lying about. The night had been thankfully tame.

They had gone far enough, though. She remember kissing Starfire. Soft, but still had just the right amount of firmness, somehow. A minty taste lingered from the mint frost she had earlier that night. A surge of warmth had passed through her, accompanied by a sudden light headed feeling...

Raven snapped to attention. She wasn't that sort of girl. She didn't need- want- _anyone_, female or otherwise. She was a cold, unmovable rock in a sea of unstable emotions. It was the way it had to be, and it was the way she wanted it.

When she wriggled out of Starfire's grasp, she muttered something in Tamaranean, throwing Raven's name into whatever she was saying. She had a vague idea of what she must have said.

Raven had hoped to slip out without attracting any attention to herself. That wasn't about to happen, though. Just as she turned to head to her room, she saw a mesmerized Beast Boy staring at her.

"What?" she muttered irately.

"Dude...you...and Starfire...you really-"

He recoiled as Raven gave him a hard, angry stare.

"Uh...your cloak's missing..."

Just as she turned back to retrieve her cloak, which she had neglected to put back on before leaving, she heard Beast Boy's immature giggling.

"Good lord!" she moaned, "Just shut up, already! Nothing happened, you sick little freak!"

In a few seconds, she was in and out, her hood pulled over her head.

It was unusually quiet around the breakfast table this morning. Raven gloomily stared down into her herbal tea (which wasn't a hardy breakfast, as Starfire pointed out), and Beast Boy looked like he was trying his darnedest not to laugh about something.

"What's with you two?" asked Robin.

"Nothing." Raven muttered absent mindedly.

Beast Boy just snorted a little as he struggled to keep from screaming "Raven likes boobies".

"Raven, what is wrong?" Starfire asked in a concerned tone, "Is it about the kiss we shared?"

And that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Beast Boy laughed and leaped around excitedly.

"I KNEW IT!" he yelled as he looked up to the heavens, "Thank you, O Lord!"

Robin just stared in silent disbelief. Not so much that the girls had shared a kiss, but that Raven would make such intimate physical contact with _anyone_, female or otherwise.

"Do not be troubled! Your kiss was very pleasurable! I would very much like to share another kiss with you!"

Raven just sunk in her seat, Beast Boy cheering for her to do it again in the background.

"Mail call!" Cyborg yelled as he wheel barreled a pile of letters, topped off with a package.

"Fan mail!" Beast Boy yelped, leaping into the pile, "Dude, look at all this! People must be, like, giving us coupons for beating Roboto or something!"

"Perhaps we shall receive another AOL frisbee disk." said Starfire, "I found the 9.0 model to be most enjoyable!"

Cyborg shook his head just as Robin was about to correct her.

"Raven?" Beast Boy said as he examined the first letter he picked out, "Whoa. Dude. Raven got fan mail. Lemme see here..."

He stared rummaging around.

"Starfire...Raven...Raven...Starfire...Raven and Starfire? I'm starting to see a pattern here."

"Oh good lord." Robin muttered as he realized why the girls alone had received mail.

"Rejoice, Raven!" Starfire said cheerfully, "Reading mail from our devoted fans shall bring merriment to your day!"

She plucked up a letter addressed to the both of them and started reading.

"'I thought you were into chicks, Raven, but I didn't think Starfire was too. Plenty of people would pay good money for pictures of you two...' This is strange. Neither I nor Raven own felines. If we did, I would certainly not devour hers. And what is this about nursing?"

Robin quickly snatched the letter from her hands.

"You know, Star, maybe me and Cyborg should take at this mail. You never know when our enemies might try to send us...junk mail..."

"You are right. Our nemeses would take great pleasure in sending us unsolicited advertisements."

Wearily, he turned his attention to Beast Boy, who was eagerly volunteering his services.

"C'mon!" he whined, "I wanna help! I can, like, sniff for anthrax or something!"

"Fine." Robin sighed.

As Cyborg wheeled the mail to the hazmat disposal chamber, Beast Boy's eyes were fixated on the package.

"What do you suppose is in _that_?" he said, all sorts of dirty little images dancing through his mind.

Just as he reached for it, Cyborg caught his hand in a vice-like grip.

"Don't touch it, BB."

"Dude, we're gonna check it anyway, right? Probably just cookies. Cookies shaped like little boobies."

"Scanned it a second ago." Cyborg said, his tone plain and flat. "It's a pipe bomb."

Beast Boy stared at the package. He highly doubted he was kidding.

Raven wasn't the sunny day sort, but she went up to the roof for meditation anyway. The fresh air might help to clear her head.

"Raven?"

Honestly, though, she just wanted to get away from Starfire.

"Yes?" Raven said, keeping her eyes closed.

"What is wrong?"

"Nothing."

Starfire bit her lip, reluctant to press the issue.

"Raven-"

Raven quickly retreated to the sanctity of her room. She didn't want to be out in the sun, anyway.

She tried to calm herself and return to her former meditative state, but she found her mind too flustered to concentrate. It wasn't just the mail or the kiss. It was her diary. All last night, thoughts floated around in her head. She recalled what she had read, but there something just out of her grasp, something hiding away in some deep, dark corner of her mind.

She opened her diary. She had nearly finished it. Whether it was cynicism or realistic thinking, she knew there wasn't a happy ending in this book.

"September 15th. Edgar died. I tried..."

The rest was too smudged to read clearly.

"September 21st. Vince was never in juvie. His dad told me the truth. He ran away with this girl a few years older than me. Vince's dad said he probably lost interest in me because I wouldn't put out. Maybe I would have, if he wanted. I don't know. But not everything's bad. I keep getting these love letters in my locker. Summer says she knows who it is, and she'll tell me tomorrow. I guess I'll end this entry early tonight. Big day ahead of me."

"September 22nd. This is the worst day of my life. It started when I saw Maria's luggage in the living room. She told Bill she was leaving him. She wasn't taking me with her. She called me his 'little jerk off doll'. She knew what was going on the whole time. At school, Summer took me into a restroom stall. She pulled me close and whispered that she was the one who gave me those letters. She took my hand and put it on her hip. I didn't know what to think, so I just let her do it. My body felt so numb. She pulled me closer, like she was going to kiss me. Then she suddenly broken away from me and swung the door open. Her friends were their on the other side, pretending they didn't know we were in there. She said I had tried to feel her up, and they all laughed at me. The rest of the day, I could feel everyone staring at me and laughing. As I left, some kid slapped a piece of paper with 'dyke' written on it on my back. It took all my concentration to hold my powers back. I shouldn't have, though. I hate this place so much. They all deserve to die."

The last entry didn't have a date.

"They called me a monster. They called me a freak. Maybe they're right. I don't really care. All I ever wanted was a normal life, parents who loved me, friends who cared about me. All that stuff. I can't, though, can I? Even when I held my powers back, it didn't change anything. Everyone treated me like trash. I-"

Raven threw the diary against a wall.

It was all a lie. None of that ever happened. She had spent most of her life in Azarath, safe and secure. Her life hadn't been this chaotic mess she had read about. That was the work of a weak, powerless little girl who didn't have control over anything. That wasn't her. That wasn't Raven.

But as she pulled her hood tightly over her head, as she muttered her chant again and again under her breath, as she fell to her knees, trying to suppress and control, she gave in to the truth. That diary wasn't a lie. She was. All this time she had fancied herself to be a pillar of emotion strength for the team. She was always the cool, calm one. She would always pick up on clues the others would miss in the heat of passion. She was always out on the fringes, quietly observing while everyone else scurried around. She was quiet, cold little Raven.

The truth was she was scared. Deep down, beneath all the defenses she built for herself, she was so fragile. She wanted their attention and sympathy, being the poor, emotionally scarred thing she was. They would watch her so carefully with concerned eyes, fearful that she was secretly crying inside and might try and kill herself. They had been right to worry. Their quiet, cold little Raven wasn't a pillar of strength, she wasn't the calm and collected one. She was a frail, miserable shell of a girl who was starved for affection.

She looked down at her hands. They were shaking. When was the last time she shook uncontrollably?

On weak legs, she stood back up, only to crash down on her bed. She gazed over at her mirror, lying on the nightstand. In all her trips into her own inner workings, she had never found what she read in that accursed diary. Then again, she hadn't looked that far. She always stayed away from the darker places, from the doors that lead to places she had intentionally locked away.

Her eyes drifted to that sizable chunk of glass that had cut her, dried blood still lingering on it's surface. Just fit it back into place and the mirror, though cracked, would be usable. She had no intention of using it, though. She had seen well enough into her soul without the aid of a magic mirror.

"So...maybe I could love Starfire." she quietly said to herself, "So what? What kind of relationship could we have? She's so naive, so...so innocent, so beautiful. She's not a bitter, used up bitch like me. I'm not going to make her happy. I've never made anyone happy."

She slowly rose again and gently picked up the shard.

"Especially not myself."

"Dear Raven, what does Star's...sex pile."

Beast Boy finished the last letter, tossing it into one of two piles: The hate mail pile, and the sex mail pile.

"Dude, this is one messed up city." he said gloomily.

"And it's just _this_ city." Cyborg added solemnly.

Robin, unlike present company, wasn't depressed by the backlash the fair citizens had gave the girls.

"What the hell is this shit!"

He was livid, pacing around back and forth like a caged tiger.

"I don't believe this! Those two put their lives on the line for this city so many times, and this is the thanks they get! They don't deserve this!"

"They got a few good letters." Beast Boy shyly pointed out, gesturing to the scant few letters that didn't fit into either of the dominate piles.

Robin took a deep breath and shook his head.

"Suddenly, I'm starting to understand those madmen who try to take over the world. Just look at this."

He made a gesture to the hate mail pile.

"Every day, we're saving the lives of bigots like these. Is this world really worth saving all the time?"

"Sorry, man," said Cyborg, "But doing the right thing won't always leave you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside."

For a while, they just stared at those two large piles, occasionally glancing at the few non-sex, non-hate letters.

"Beast Boy," Robin finally spoke up, "Take those letters to the girls. Cyborg, help me throw the trash into the incinerator."

Just then, Starfire's scream echoed down the hallway. They ran out, looking for the origin point of her scream. They found her, and what- deep down- they all knew they would would find sooner or later.

Raven lowered herself into the steamy water. The soft light of scented candles, the quiet classical piece playing on the small, waterproof radio sitting on the counter, the warm of the bath water. It all helped ease her soul for what she was about to do.

She looked at the shard of glass in her hand. Certainly not as fine a cutting tool as a razor, but it was part of her, in a sense. It only seemed appropriate that it should end her life.

"Why me, Star?" she thought, staring at her own reflection in the mirror shard, "Of all the people on this planet, why did you choose the worst possible person to be with? I can't be with you. I can't be with anyone. Even if I knew anything of love or intimacy, how am I supposed to allow myself to feel it? How are we supposed to sustain a relationship? You knew I can't fall in love, Starfire...but you just refused to listen to me. I can't do this. Even if not for these damned powers, I'm different enough as it is. Why me? Why did it have to be me? Why is it that this is the only thing I really have control of?"

She dragged the glass along her wrist. She remembered this old familiar feeling so well. When she cut herself, she would stare at the blood slowly trickling down her arm. It was such a dark shade of red, much darker than commonly portrayed in TV and movies. Darker than the color of her eyes when she lost control. She had always found it morbidly interesting.

"Come on. Quit with the foreplay and get it over with."

She winced at the penetration. She had never gone this far before. After the pain subsided, there was a sense of pleasure as adrenaline and endorphins started coursing through her veins. She let out a small moan when she pulled the shard out.

As she lost blood, her head grew lighter. The warmth of her bath of loosing it's effect, but that didn't matter. She still felt at ease, perhaps more so than before. She had finally found the strength to escape from this chain of suffering she put herself through. No more control and suppression. That need to keep herself under control flowed out of her wounded wrist.

She opened her eyes briefly to see her blood painting the water. A cloud of red mist was growing from her wound.

"Never liked red." she quietly mused, "The color of love. Or pain? Whatever. Same thing."

As her conscious mind slipped away, she heard someone scream her name.

Raven laid lifelessly in the medbay, clinging to a thread of life. Beast Boy and Starfire had the grim task of scowering her room for any sharp, bladed objects.

Beast Boy sat on the bed, looking at a group photo they had taken ages ago. Raven, of course, had been off to the side, hiding in the shadow of a tree.

"We always saw the signs, but we didn't a thing."

Starfire didn't say a word. She didn't know what to say. This sort of thing never happened on her planet.

"She hated her life, and...and I only made her more miserable."

"Beast Boy?"

Starfire abruptly stopped her work and sat next to him.

"I knew how Raven's powers worked. She told me half a million times. But I just kept bugging her. I wanted her to just crack a smile, and...I didn't think about what I was doing to her. I...I'm responsible...oh God..."

Starfire held him as he struggled to hold back the tears.

"It is not your fault." she softly said, "Raven has endured much. As we would say on my planet, even the mightiest of warriors bear scars. But if any one of us is to blame, it is I."

Beast Boy pulled away and looked at her with glassy eyes.

"Don't say that, Star. You care about her so much. Love isn't supposed to driving people to suicide, right?"

After a few quiet, awkward moments, they went back to what they were doing.

Starfire took notice of the mirror on the nightstand. Or rather, the sizable piece missing from it. She gently ran her finger along the edges of the hole, a small chill echoing throughout her body as she recalled herself being cut.

"The missing piece." she thought, "Why did she use it instead of her razors?"

"Starfire! Don't!"

Her thoughts were interrupted as Beast Boy tackled her and dragged her half away across the room.

"Star, stay away from that mirror!"

"Why?"

"Me and Cyborg...sorta...came into Raven's room this one time...when she wasn't here...and we got sucked into it! It's this freaky portal into Raven's head, and...and there was this big red dude there, and Raven said it was her father, but-"

Beast Boy's ramblings were tuned out as Starfire stared at the mirror. Perhaps if she could get her hands on that missing shard of glass...

"Dude, Raven kept a diary?"

At some point, Beast Boy's attention must have been diverted to the book poking out of the bookshelf, Raven's name written on a piece of tape on the cover.

"A diary?" Starfire asked, "What is that?"

Half way through flipping through the pages, he abruptly stopped.

"Uh...it's this book that people sometimes write down thoughts and stuff in."

Just as he was about to put it back where he found it, Starfire asked to see it.

There she was. Cold, unconscious, and half exsangulated, but doing fine, all things considered.

Raven was laying there on a bed in the medbay. Raven the teammate. Raven the friend. Raven the rival for Starfire's affections. Right now, though, she was supposed to be Raven the victim. The other things still crept into Robin's mind.

After all the scorching energy blasts, superhuman punches, and diamond hard claws Raven had fended off during her duties, it seemed pretty ironic that a simple piece of glass almost did what a host of villians couldn't. And she had been the one to be her own undoing.

Tragic, yes, but an open opportunity, wasn't it? The rival had been removed from the game, for the time being. Poor Starfire would lament over her fallen love, and Robin would be right there. He would hold her, wipe away her tears, and he would eventually reclaim that place in her heart he once thought he had.

Why did she fall for Raven, anyway? She was...she was _Raven_. She hadn't put in any emotional investment. Robin had been the one to take Starfire to her first trip to the fair, to the movies, to...well, he had been there for a lot of her firsts. He had always been there for her. Not like Raven. She was content keeping a nice, healthy distance between anyone and everyone. She didn't have any interest in Starfire. She didn't care about her, not like he did. But she still chose her. Why? He and Starfire seemed to click with each other so naturally. Rumors had been they were going out for weeks now, until that whole debacle started yesterday. They seemed so right for each other before. Before a few days ago, when everything fell apart. Everything was fine and dandy until this bitch in front of him took it all away.

Was that what it boiled down to? Winning and losing? He was jealous of Raven because she had won over Starfire. As much as he tried to be the best, he lost her. He was the hero, the leader of the team. He wasn't supposed to loose. But he did loose, and he lost hard.

Robin ended his watch early.

An unfathomably cold feeling crept over Starfire. She had almost recoiled from that damned book a couple times. Suddenly, it all made sense. Raven wasn't merely a curiosity to her. She felt as if she was part of her. The puzzle that was Raven had been put together, and what a tragic picture it had created.

She stared at the piece of mirror that had been in Raven's wrist, her own reflection staring back through a filter of red. In theory, she could simply slip it back in place and the portal into Raven's mind would be open. Beast Boy didn't know how it had activated, but to simply sit back and do nothing was out of the question.

Starfire gently fit the shard back into place and stood back, waiting for something to happen.

Nothing happened. No hand reaching out and grabbing her, no vortex sucking her into another world, _nothing_. All that was in the mirror was a helpless little alien girl. There wasn't anything she could do to save Raven.

After that failed effort, she went to the medbay to continue her quiet vigil over another helpless girl.

With all the romantic stories she had heard over the course of her short life, she really did expect a miracle to happen. This typically was when miracles were supposed to happen. The hour was dark, she felt defeated, and now was the time when some major revelation would take place, some small hope that she would suddenly take notice of and make her realize she could still rescue Raven from the pit of despair that had entrapped her for so long.

But that didn't happen. Starfire was stuck in that pit with her, and all she could do is watch over her broken friend.

Her eyes tracked along her prone form. She watched her chest raise and fall ever so slightly. As tough as Raven always appeared to be, she looked so fragile now. Starfire carefully took her hand. It was so cold.

"Raven...how..."

Raven's fingers gently curled around her hand. She moaned softly as she returned to the land of the living.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Starfire suddenly screamed as loud as she could.

Raven, too weak to hide her shock, cringed.

"S...Star?"

"You had us all so frightened! Why!"

Before Raven could find the words, Starfire embraced her, resting her sobbing face on her shoulder.

"If you...even think...of...of doing something like again...I will never forgive you!"

With shaky hands, Raven returned her friend's hug.

"Starfire...it won't work out..."

Starfire pulled away and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Would you ever hurt me?"

"No." Raven said, bewildered, "Not intentionally."

"And you know I would never hurt you?"

"Of course."

"Then why?"

She was too weak to suppress and control. She leaned in, pulling Starfire closer.

"I'm scared." she whispered, "I just keep getting hurt."

"Then I will protect you."

She just didn't get. For some reason, that made Raven smile.

It was a sweet little scene. That is, until, Cyborg's hushed voice was heard.

"You're crying!"

Robin straightened his mask, as if that would somehow do something.

"No, I just-"

Then he noticed something everyone else had missed out on.

"Realized Raven wasn't wearing anything under that blanket!"

Indeed, she _was_ naked. When Starfire had pulled her up into her arms, she had inadvertently yanked off what little had covered up Raven's breasts. And when the door slammed shut by itself, everyone knew Raven was going to be just fine.

The morning was one of firsts. Raven was smiling, for one thing. She was uncharacteristly happy, which could be because this was the first day of her new, non-single life with Starfire. Her mood returned to normal when she found the special breakfast the boys had prepared for the new couple.

"Lesbian boobies?" Starfire read in her Alpha-bits.

"Speaking of which..." Raven said as she stared down at her plate.

"The eggs are boobs!" Cyborg said triumphantly.

"And check out the creative use of bacon!" Beast Boy squealed, his personal ethics as a vegetarian taking a back seat to the warped sense of humor that seemed ever prevalent this morning.

"C'mon, Robin!" Cyborg said as he jabbed poor, embarrassed Robin in the ribs, "Show 'em the toaster strudel!"

Robin feinted innocence as the girls looked in his direction. Then Beast Boy whipped out said strudel, which had crudely drawn stick figures with breasts.

"I'm going back to my room." said Raven, "Starfire?"

Girlfriend in tow, Raven headed back to her room, ignoring Cyborg and Beast Boy's offer to make "little boobie cookies".

As Raven looked over at Starfire- sweet, beautiful Starfire- she remembered something she knew very well. Love hurts. That was a definite truth. It was worth it, though. She could see that now.

* * *

author's notes: Well, hot damn! Got this done on Valentine's Day. I wasn't able to post it then, I'm afraid, but still, pretty nice time.

Now it's time to address the last batch of reviewers.

Godzillafreak: Febuary 14th. aprox. 3:37 pm, PST. On a side note, being a smart ass is fun.

Wolfkcing: Thank you, thank you. Writing isn't easy, but it's nice to know I'm doing things right.

It's weird how I ended up handling Raven's past. At first, I had no intention of turning Raven's "real" past into a lie she created for herself. I was just gonna have her break down and try to steer clear of Azarath all togther, but then it dawned on me. I was making up a complete and utter lie. As a fanfic writer, I have a certain degree of flexiblity to exercise, but I realized I could fit in the official storyline, despite what was written Raven's diary, and it would work.

OzZ Cometh: I seen but a handful of truly talented, memorable writers in the world of fanfiction. Fewer still have the potential for growth and...well, aren't cynical little jerkoffs with no real personality. You're one of the latter, Jacko. Your review means a lot to me. Oh, and read Jacko's works or go to Hell! You can also find material by him at the Tenchi Muyo Fanfic Archive finally, the person who has to be my favorite fan to date...

Saint Raven: WOW! I just invented crack fic! I rock out loud, baby! Read Saint Raven's stuff or go to Hell and- and I'm throwing this in for my extra special addict- be raped by the Devil!

By the way, Sai-Rae, just so you know, I have some older stuff over at the TMFFA and I'll be working on fics for Silent Hill, FLCL, and Neon Genesis Evangelion. Keep an eye out.

Many, many thanks to all my reviewers! You are all beautiful people solely for giving me praise.

Well, until next time, dear readers, seeya later! And if anyone out there is inspired to make little boobie cookies, I'd love to hear about it.


End file.
